Autumn Leaves

Since you went away the days grow long

And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall.

("Autumn Leaves" - Nat King Cole)

The Wheel has turned, bringing Autumn to our doorstep once again.

Autumn was Lissa's favorite season.  She adored the rich colors, the snap of cooler air, warm beverages.  Her wedding, held in October, featured many autumnal touches.

I used to love this time of year.  My birthday falls just a couple days before the equinox.  I never had the sense of existential dread that some people feel around their birthday - but now, knowing I'll never again see birthday wishes or a fun gift from my best friend has made me grow sorrowful as the day approaches.

My "worst first" Autumn was last year, and I cried all day.  Today is the second Autumn without her, and I feel blue.

I want to enjoy this time of year on her behalf.  But all I keep thinking is that she should still be here to experience it herself.

I will never have an answer that explains why she had to die so young.  Questions without answers don't sit well with me - I need every puzzle to have a solution, every lock to have a key.

I can't find peace with the fact that there's no answer to my question, so I'll have to somehow find peace with the fact that I'll never truly find peace.