From www.psychcentral.com:
Grief is primarily associated with the death of a loved one — but it’s not limited to this event alone. It’s OK to grieve over a relationship and not feel ashamed or awkward about doing so.
“Grief is very much a [natural] human reaction to a relationship ending. [It] is the process of working through a broken heart,” explains Dr. Lauren Ogren, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California.
Remember: While there may not have been a physical loss, per se, you’ve still lost something that held great significance.
It is:
- the loss of a current way of life
- mourning the memories of the past
- a letting go of the dreams and hopes of the future of the relationship
“It’s [typical] to fluctuate between feelings,” concurs Dr. Cadmona A. Hall, a psychologist and associate professor at Adler University in Chicago. “One day, you might be incredibly sad. Another day, you could be feeling relieved and happy to move forward with a new life.”
Ogren explains that emotions and reactions during the grieving process can vary and include:
- reduced concentration
- sense of numbness
- possible changing sleeping and eating habits
- emotional ups and downs
There’s no one-size-fits-all level for emotions, and numerous factors can influence a person’s grief response.
Relationship intensity
“The intensity, meaning, and significance of the relationship” are key players in breakup grief, reveals Joanna Kaminski, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Clarity Therapy NYC in New York.
For instance, a 2020 study of 368 college students found strong links between the intensity of a relationship (like a relative or pet) and the level of grief experienced.
Relationship length
A relationship’s duration is a critical factor, largely thanks to the influence of time on our memory and associated emotions. “The longer the relationship, the more memories we have to elicit, which can prolong the grief process,” states Ogren.
When we’re faced with “something like a smell, song, or picture that reminds us of a memory of an ex, this neural pathway [between memory and emotion] can be triggered,” she explains.
Our brains cannot recognize that the trigger is related to memory and not a real-time event. Ogren says that it “tells the nervous system to elicit a physical response, such as a fluttering in the stomach or dry mouth,” and these are difficult to ignore.
Hormones
Remember when those raging teenage hormones made everything feel more intense? Similar effects can occur as an adult, Ogren says.
For instance, having a child with your ex-partner can elicit a deeper connection, she notes, “as the hormonal spikes when you introduce a new child into your relationship creates deep and lasting bonds and memories.”
Gender
Plenty of clichés suggest men are ‘less emotional’ than women and, therefore, might not mourn the end of a relationship. But the reality is somewhat different.
“Thoughts and feelings related to grief aren’t gendered. Everyone experiences grief,” says Hall. Instead, she notes, gender stereotypes mean that “men are often socialized to avoid or suppress displays of emotion.”
A 2015 study of over 5,700 individuals found that while women feel higher emotional and physical pain after a breakup, men will feel the hurt for longer. Meanwhile, a 2021 study of over 184,600 people discovered that men were likelier to discuss their relationships and heartache online.
Ultimately, Kaminski says, “there is no one rule that fits any gender in particular, and stereotyping, in general, is not a good idea from a therapeutic standpoint.”
How to deal with feelings of grief
Grief can feel overwhelming and never-ending at times, but several approaches can help you ease its impact and move on to happier days.
Take your time
Friends might share how long their grief lasted following a breakup but know there’s no set time limit for the process to take.
“The long-held rule of thought regarding grief is that it’s a very personal experience that is completely dependent on the individuality of the person involved,” explains Kaminski. So don’t beat yourself up if it’s taking longer to deal with your emotions than you might like or expect.
She adds that grief has to last 6 months or more to be classed as “complicated grief,” although it can also depend on circumstances.
Don’t avoid your feelings
Kaminski reveals that trying to eliminate feelings of grief “may be counterproductive.”
Indeed, research indicates doing so may have the opposite effect on our mental state. A 2005 study found that trying to quash thoughts and feelings around breakup grief led to participants having more negative thoughts than those who talked about them.
Instead, Ogren recommends acknowledging and honoring that you have strong feelings of sadness due to an end of:
- hopes
- dreams
- emotional connection
“Allow yourself some time, whether that’s a weekend or a few minutes at the end of the day, to feel the feelings you are feeling,” she continues. In doing so, “we’re validating our experience and are able to move through the grief process with honor.”
Get support from family, friends, or a therapist
Having “a community of support will [positively] impact the grief process,” shares Hall. Trusted friends and family members can:
- offer words of encouragement
- be on hand to listen to your feelings
- give all-important hugs
Seeking help from a therapist is also an option, says Kaminski, as they “will stay with us, regardless of how sad we’re coming across.”
Engage in some TLC
“It sounds cliché, but this is a time to focus on self-care,” says Hall. “Not luxury trips and spa days, but rediscovering activities that bring joy or trying something new, like a language course, or writing the book you’ve always talked about.”
Create new memories
Rather than going to places that can stir up memories of your relationship or ex, you can take the opportunity to form new memories that (in the words of Marie Kondo) “spark joy.”
Ogren suggests waking up the brain and allowing for new memories to form by letting your attention shift to the present moment and the world around you. She says you might try:
- going to different coffee shops
- buying new clothes or getting a new hairstyle
- taking a new route to work
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