Emotional Landmines

We'll be moving soon, so I've been sorting through boxes, determining what to purge and what to save.

I've been encountering emotional landmines.  I'll open a box and find a handful of letters, a gift, or some other reminder of Lissa.  Some of those things will make me smile; some of them will make me sob.

Yesterday, I opened a box and found an adorable scrapbook that Lissa made me back in 2003.  Throughout the pages were photos of us together with handwritten memories or quotes.  The first photo below is the cover; the second photo is the last page.

Reading the last page made me break apart.  I started to cry, and I said, "She should still be here. Why isn't she here? It's not right that she's gone!" It felt like being kicked in the heart.

My friend Janet said, "I think seeing this reminded you of what you're missing." And it's true. I grieve more keenly for all of the times she and I WON'T spend together, all of the memories we WON'T have the chance to make.

I will carry on and carry her with me. But it will never be okay with me that she's missing from my side and from my life.